One of my favorite new words in the past few years is “sonder” — that moment when you realize that everyone around you has an internal life as rich and as conflicted as yours. With that always on my mind, I tend to notice more areas where it might apply.
One of those was in Charles Duhigg’s book “Supercommunicators“. In it, he encourages us to bring out the “multiple identities” in people that you’re talking to. He says:
“Draw out multiple identities. Ask people about their backgrounds, communities, the organizations and causes they support, and where they come from. Share your identities in return. We all contain multiple selves; none of us are one-dimensional. It helps to be reminded of that.“
He goes further to compare this with topics and issues, saying:
“An antidote to this proclivity (he was referring to binary bias) is complexifying: showcasing the range of perspectives on a given topic. We might believe we’re making progress by discussing hot-button issues as two sides of a coin, but people are actually more inclined to think again if we present these topics through the many lenses of a prism. To borrow a phrase from Walt Whitman, it takes a multitude of views to help people realize that they too contain multitudes.“
It’s easy to think we know someone while really only knowing 10% of who they are. Learning about more of their identities can help with your relationship with them, and also might help shape your views on other areas of life. Ultimately, it helps expand the concept of sonder, knowing that people contain far more than we see on the surface, and then it’s awesome to get to see some of those other layers.
