We all know that listening is an important skill, and most of us know that we need to do better with it, myself included. The more you can truly listen to what someone else is saying, the better off you’ll both be.
This is a subject that came up a lot while I was reading Henry Cloud’s “Integrity“, and I thought I’d share a few quotes from the book that really stood out to me.
At a high level, the book chased the idea of not just listening, but making sure the other party knew that you were listening. Cloud put that part of it rather simply:
True listening and understanding occurs only when the other person understands that you understand.
In many cases, you’re honestly listening to someone in an effort to show empathy, so it’s even more important that they know that you understand:
But, if we cannot communicate our listening in a way that lets the other person know we have truly understood, empathy has not occurred.
The solution for this is to partially restate back to them what they told you. This not only helps to make sure you heard them correctly (and they can explain further if you didn’t), but also shows that you were indeed really listening:
They talk → you experience them → you share what you have heard and experienced about their experience → then they experience you as having heard them. They then know you are “with them.”
As simple as it is, listening can be a tricky skill. I know I’m bad about listening while simultaneously thinking hard about what I want to respond with. That’s a tough habit to break, but it’s one I’m working on. I do that, like many others, so that I can come across quickly with a good response, but I’m greatly reducing the quality of my listening as a result.
If someone wants to be heard, you have to truly want to listen.
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