Looping for understanding

Charles Duhigg’s book “Supercommunicators” had a ton of great insights in it, and I encourage you to pick up a copy. I have a handful of thoughts that I’ll be sharing over the coming weeks, but this was one of the most interesting to me.

So much of communication revolves around simply understanding what the other person is trying to say. Whether you agree with them or not, understanding their point of view is crucial. Duhigg unpacks the various types of discussions that two people might have with one another, but if you don’t understand their point of view, the conversation is in big trouble. His proposed solution is that you simply “loop for understanding”. In his words:

There’s a technique for this—looping for understanding. Here’s how it works: Ask questions, to make sure you understand what someone has said. Repeat back, in your own words, what you heard. Ask if you got it right. Continue until everyone agrees we understand.

Later, he unpacks it a bit further:

It’s a fairly simple technique—prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back what you just heard, and then seeking confirmation you understand—but studies show it is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them. It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding. The goal is not to repeat what someone has said verbatim, but rather to distill the other person’s thoughts in your own words, prove you are working hard to understand and see their perspective—and then repeat the process, again and again, until everyone is satisfied.

This leads me to two thoughts.

1. “Not to repeat what someone has said verbatim” is a great practice in other areas too, such as taking notes. Certainly we want to have an accurate record of what was said (I share a lot of precise quotes on here), but being able to put their words into your own words helps to make sure you really understand what they’re trying to say.
2. It almost goes to the degree of being a steel man — being able to fight for their point of view, even if you disagree with it.

It’s easy to jump in with your thoughts as soon as the other person has paused, but taking a moment to loop for understanding will help the conversation be much more productive for everyone.