When having conversations with others, we all know that we need to do a better job of listening. As Henry Cloud has said before, empathy comes from listening. To really get to know someone, listen more.
However, it doesn’t feel that way. In studies about conversations, the person that talked more often felt that they understood the other person better. In his book “Give and Take“, author Adam Grant puts it like this:
Logically, learning about the people around you should depend on listening. The less you talk, the more you should discover about the group. But Pennebaker found the opposite: the more you talk, the more you think you’ve learned about the group. By talking like a taker and dominating the conversation, you believe you’ve actually come to know the people around you, even though they barely spoke. In Opening Up, James Pennebaker muses, “Most of us find that communicating our thoughts is a supremely enjoyable learning experience.”
It can be a tough balance with a strange outcome, but it makes for very simple advice. Listen more, which will help you develop greater empathy for the person you’re with, and they’ll leave feeling good about the conversation and the bits they’ve learned from you.
In a way, they might be right. As I shared recently about learning from people’s questions, it might be the quality of the questions you ask that help them appreciate your value in the long run.
